last night was one of those nights after one of those weeks. thank God those do not last forever!
i could not sleep. i lay awake thinking late into the night, which for me usually means worrying more than anything else. i actually thought about getting up to write on here, but when emotions are that raw, it is best that i talk to the Lord through it and let my tears spill out before Him first. sometimes things come up seemingly out of nowhere, and instead of try and run away from them (which i have been known to do many many times) i am starting to learn that allowing myself to feel them and turn to the Lord in the middle instead of denying their existence is part of the journey. so Lord, here i am, this is how i feel right now - right, wrong, or unimportant - and i am going to allow You access to the secret places in my heart that are so hidden that oftentimes i am not even aware that they exist.
i did not get any profound answers or revelations and nothing in particular was fixed in the last 24 hours, but i feel so much better. i guess that is one thing about emotions - they come and they go as they please. feels much better to be on this end of it, but i think both sides are just as important.
i am sitting in our prayer room at the watch of the Lord and watching a friend of mine paint on a canvas as my husband sings from the piano with a full band. the booming bass line shakes my very core with pulses of emotions deep down. instead of feeling overwhelmed with the problem and the emotions, i now instead feel overwhelmed with Presence. He is real. He really does care for me. and i am willing to take this journey, no matter what lies ahead, because i do not walk it alone. there is a good good God who loves righteousness and hates wickedness... and He cares for me.
